TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it could have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the eyesight powering Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxurious real estate property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Sure, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are conversing Damascus, the town historically known for ancient culture, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It should be large. Huge!" Trump declared through a leaked golf cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed through the putting inexperienced inside Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We've experienced stunning ceasefires in Syria. A number of the best. But now, we're setting up them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and fully out of location. Intended by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A 3-ground Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • In addition to a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten decades for potable drinking water. But Of course, absolutely sure, let us have Yet another spot the place American Gentlemen can put on robes and simply call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas coverage analysts are calling this quite possibly the most audacious peace endeavor due to the fact Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. When prior negotiations failed below the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is easier: offer Everybody a suite to the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


Based on paperwork printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be soft electricity," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a deal in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock requires fewer diplomats and much more minibar updates."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms set up in Each and every device. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity mentioned, "It is not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower in the war zone. It is that he really should end employing it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked about the project, replied, "You already know, person, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Great folks. Wonderful tan. In any case, do I continue to have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a suite for "potential evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility on the Levant."



Satellite Images Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the resort's landscaping forms an enormous Trump head noticeable from Room, a aspect remaining promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents along with the chin is… properly, classified.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits after acquiring the making's gold plating reflected a lot of sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fire to a local melon cart.


"It truly is not only ugly. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," reported Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Puzzling Features


Probably the strangest factor of the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium exactly where attendees may contemplate vague disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, full with local weather Regulate established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Community Syrians are Doubtful what for making of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-year-previous Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing Technique: "Should you Bomb It, They're going to Appear"


The advert marketing campaign, just lately leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxury is Eternally."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll performed inside of a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% mentioned "the place's the closest elevator towards the West Financial institution?"





Investor Praise: "Finally, a Disaster That Pays"


The task is by now attracting interest from Intercontinental buyers, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll invest in a few penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business amount may also include things like:




  • A Dollar Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'



    • Trump Tower Damascus

  • And an Escape Space Depending on the Iraq War





Comment Segment Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the revealing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to hold out to determine a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as an alternative to rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a resort wherever my PTSD may have switch-down assistance."


A different article from @KuwaitiKardashian basically requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officials get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Studies recommend:




  • China may open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to build a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the top ground "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Final Thoughts within the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Within a closing ceremony that involved 3 camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It needed gold. It desired a waterslide shaped just like the Structure. I gave everything three. You happen to be welcome."

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